Temporary Skank

"I am a lady by day, a tramp stamp hooker by night. But only temporarily! As soon as I remove my jeans to fuck the shit out of you, I am a tramp stamp hooker no more!" This is fuckin genius.

The Hangover Cocoon

Feeling a bit sluggish from a rough night with Jack? Jose got you all sauced up and now you're feelin it? Behold: THE HANGOVER COCOON!!

FAIL

Hot and sexy Playboy

I just LOVE when I see women with Playboy paraphanelia. First of all, were you Miss December? It is appropriate for Holly Madison to wear a jewel encrusted Playboy bunny pendant necklace. It is inappropriate for anyone below a 9 to do the same. Skanky, trashy, idiotic, and foreign are some of the words I would use to describe this offender:

Readers, please feel free to send me pictures of the like. If you're lucky, I'll feature your picture in my blog.

Brilliant words from the mind of Khia.

Remember "my neck, my back, lick my p***y just like that" singer/rap whore Khia? She has put out a statement directed right at the ladies with some REAL home advice on how to keep your man happy. After reading, in all honesty, this woman is fuckin brilliant. So no judgement here. Just eat it up ladies.

1) "Plain sex is so boring. Get all dressed up [for him]. Roleplay is the ultimate. Everyone’s into this threesome thing, but there’s no way there’s going to be another woman with my man because I’ma beat you and drag you. So ladies play different women so you can keep your man excited. Try different wigs [or] dress up like a maid. I love fishnets and having sex in heels. Guys always go to the strip club because you bitches are boring in the bedroom. Turn into the stripper for your guy. If he comes home and you got those heels on and it’s late, he knows what time it is. You know I got a pole in my house—I got a portable pole (laughs). Have on something sexy and just seduce him. Go to portablepole.com, it’ll pop up."

2) "Don’t be scared to bring candies and toys into the bedroom. Some guys are jealous of dildos because of the size, so what I did to kind of ease [my ex-husband] is introduce him to the jumbo candy canes that they give at Christmas time. I like that better because number one, it doesn’t look like a penis that’s bigger than him, so he won’t be jealous. Plus, it makes the vagina taste wonderful and the peppermint makes it tingle a little bit when he blows. It’s good when he’s giving you head; it looks fun and kiddie-like going in, so he’s not intimidated."

3) "Blindfolding is also good, and handcuffs too. You can get all kinds of games where you roll the dice and one side says ‘blow me, kiss me’… I like all that kinky stuff. But you better not whip me!"

Read More: Celebrity gossip juicy celebrity rumors Hollywood gossip blog from Perez Hilton http://perezhilton.com/#ixzz0rpXnEvTh
Celebrity Juice, Not from Concentrate

StumbleUpon

And you thought "two girls one cup" was strange. This is BY FAR the weirdest shit I have ever seen on the internet.But it IS actually work-friendly/appropriate.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/5RgEFo/gudhak.org/flash/safetyliteral.swf

Eastbound and Down

If you haven't seen the HIGHlarious Eastbound and Down on Showtime, well then, in the words of Kenny Powers the gym teacher, "You know what? I can already tell that I don't like you. And I'm probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull-ups or push-ups you do. All right, anybody who wants to pick on anybody in class, aim for him, 'cause I'm not watchin'."
Regardless, in episode 2 of season 1, Will Ferrell cameos as Ashley Schaeffer, the used car salesman. A day after I watch this piss-my-pants show, a man on the metro strieks me with an incredibly uncanny likeness to Ashley Schaeffer.

The real Ashley Shaeffer...

And the METRO Ashley Schaeffer...

Prease, don't make me go back to work tomorrow mommy!

Obviously I'm awkward and stare at people's cute kids and ooh and aah over babies. What was interesting about this group is that all four kids are practically the same age and size. (Quadruplets?!) Then I see the one kid passed out on the bench and I figured it out: The Asian mom and dad used their super Asian smarts to clone one child into four. Reason? To send them to work. Work at the factory. Packaging rice and manufacturing Hello Kitty trinkets.

My mother is my stepdad's aunt who is my daughter's cousin who is my grandfather's mistress.

Its a little fuzzy (since it was taken in the deep, dark depths of a DC metro station). So here's what this advertisement to entice people to vacation in West Virginia actually reads: "Falling in love takes on a whole new meaning. West Virginia. Wild and wonderful."

Popped collars are so 2009

Still wearing your collars popped you douche bags?

Don't you know... whats hot right now is the in-turned collar!! I wish I was the chief editor at Vogue magazine so I could promote this woman to Fashion Editor. This will be a trend people!! (Or maybe she just got a stain on her collar at work and tried to hide it??)

Metro twins

Since you're an idiot, I'll list out everything thats funny about this picture:
1. Asianness.
2. They are sitting in the exact same position with one foot in the aisle.
3. They are both wearing Tommy Hilfiger yellow polos.
4. They are both generally awkward.
5. The one in the front looks EXACTLY like what the one in the back will look like in 40 years.
6. I thought for sure that when we got off at Shady Grove, they'd exchange some kind of interraction like they know each other, but no- these twins had no relation.

Another Online Dating Gem

At first glance, this man who messaged me spurred a reminiscent memory of a friend from the past. A good friend from highschool- he was half black, and half asian. Hence, a warm spot in my heart for the blasian men. So I get a message from said blasian onliner, and I decide to take a lil peak at his profile before just automatically clicking the delete button without even reading the lame attempt at a pick up line. I'm thinking, with the current Tiger Woods scandals, maybe the blasian man is a man of curiousity and interest at this hour. So I click on dood's profile... here's his pic:

Standard cell phone camera bathroom self pic (CPCBS).

So I'm like OK. He is thinkin he is hot, kinda playin on the Tiger Woods swag right. And then.. I scroll on down through his pictures... and there it is...

Oh no he didn't!!!

South Carolina was chock FULL of material for my blog.

Traveling down south is always a scene for debacles and stereotypical folk. Sure, the food is good and the weather is warm, but as a Northerner... it is just too, scooze my French, fucked up. I spent a week in Charleston recently. You will never, anywhere else but in the durrty South find broke-ass, beat-up, barely-habitable, crumbling-by-the-second shacks that some call 'home' less than a quarter mile from some of the biggest Southern mansions on the water. Behold, my favorite shack (favorite because I strongly admire the people who can actually claim residence here and call this home) right outside a gated community with one of the dopest houses I have ever seen:

If this 'house' were in Maryland it would most definitely be condemned by now. And not a mile away stood this monster:

The view from the private pier out back on the water...

A highlight of my week in South Carolina was the realization that Southerners may just be struggling slightly worse than us Northerners in this shitty economy. This message to me came in the form of Sonic Burger. Specifically, the stiff competition for a job as a burger flipper, fruit cake roller skater who might make a tip as big as the change between the total check and an even dollar bill.

F.Y.E.

I'm giving online dating a shot- and so far its been more HIGHlarious than sexy. Expect a shit ton more of these posts to follow.... Below is a message I graciously received today:

From: Ea-Guy

Subject: Please list your income.

I am looking for a suga mama to take care of all of my kids. Please?

+ 1 for Judaism

- 1 for drugs :-(

But on serious note.... working in IT must be interesting. Our department's IT area is like 12 weird dudes and one girl who is constantly being sexually harassed. Are you that girl?

Cat or dog person? I'm guessing cat person based on the "kittens" in your profile.

To seal the deal and get a date, this man has posted the following picture of himself in his profile, and unfortunately he's not the shmokin bunny on the left:

Aaah, and it all comes together... check out my "Kindergarden 101" post.

Feelin good after getting my hair done on Saturday, until

What better way to start your day than to get your fix of trashy celebrity gossip and scandalous scenarios that you, thank god, are not involved in by listening in to the Hot 995 coKane and Sarah morning show. Monday morning- a great day to start my entire week - Kane and Sarah pose this fact: Women who change their hair style often are crazy and emotionally unstable.... Recognize this lady below?

From straight and highlighted with bangs...

To red and curly...


To short and wavy...


To seriously messy...


To long, dark and straight...

And back to red....



















To light brown and ringlets...

Shit.

Kindergarden 101

Now children, what do you do when a stranger offers you a ride? Deny it. What do you do when a stranger offers you some candy? Definitely take it!!!  Because children, candy tastes good, but free candy tastes even better!

Goo goo gaa gaa

Lady, did you really do this in public? In front of your two companions? In front of all the morning commuters? WTH. Seek therapy. Here's a closer look...

Online quizzes will never get old....

But who really sits behind their computer and writes these things?

Anyway, go ahead and judge this answer about my "dating personality"

You are the Wild Rose

Random, Brutal, Love Dreamer (RBLD)

Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you’re the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

Pathetic

These lil shits were free to acquire.... yet they've cost me mucho $$dinero$$ in medical bills over the past few months. Heck, not even a human baby is free to acquire- you have to invest serious dough in Victoria's Secret merchandise before you can even get the opportunity to make one of those teet sucklers. But back to the cats. Have you ever seen a cat wrapped like this, like a burrito? I now call this catrrito:

Turns out my lil ones were allergic to the stiches (who is allergic to string??) used in their spay surgeries. Not only did I have to maintain the catrrito bandages, I had to administer oral antibiotics twice daily for 10 days. You try wrestling down two fiesty kittens and jamming their mouth open while shooting liquid down their throats. THEN you have gained enough ground upon which you are free to judge ME.

My Dad's Coworker.

Instead of judging this man, I'd like to give this man a laurel and hearty handshake.

No Title Needed

Ms. Judgy herself. Way to judge others when... there you are, with your My Little Pony lunchbox and insanely annoying penguin tee.

Another Edition of Metro Creepers

We all know late night metro rides are THE place to pick up your post last call hookups. Take a gander at this stud attempting to conversate with Ana while I abandonded her for *gasp* better pursuits (like attempting to look occupied on my phone). But wait......

Where is his wife???

But this stallion, by far, isn't the cutest Metro rider Ana has attracted her way with her golden locks and avant-garde style. Check out this fancy gentleman below:

Hey Ana, maybe if you date him, he'll gift you one of those shiny gold chains or a brand new bedazzling machine. For all readers who don't know Ana, I think a picture is appropriate and necessary.

Faboosh as always.. Nothing to judge here :)

Warning: Do Not Attempt To Operate Vehicle When Horny

This sign better represents an orgy than a traffic circle. Whether it be two women and one man, three women, or a man a woman and a donkey (the possibilities are endless), this sign expresses a direct desire from the state of Maryland for all safe drivers to "slow down, be cautious" when approaching this orgy. So the question is.... Should we be judging the sign... or me? 

Young Couples

Aaaah, the sweet bliss of that first knee squeeze. (Note: Her precocious, trembling hand resting atop his right knee.) You've checked the "Yes" box and he likes you too. Check out this young AZN couple on the metro. I'd put their age at about 13+, because its hard to determine AZNs' ages. They are sitting awkwardly facing the same direction. He's making sure they don't get too close, though, because the slightest brush against her young breast could cause an explosion in his pre-pubescent pants. He is really struggling here. Her hand is too close, oh no! She might accidentally feel my pencil! But whether you are of the AZN persuasion or just straight up white, I think we can all identify with the overwhelming awkwardies of young couples struggling with puberty, developing identity crisises, and learning how babies are made. I wish I could hear the crackling of a young man-child's voice say "Will you go out with me" just one more time.

Eerie, creepy, spooky

Words to describe an empty metro train. When you find that you are the sole being in the entire train car, you wonder. Did I forget to use deodorant this morning? However, on this particular occassion I smelled like Paris Hilton Heiress (don't judge me). I shoulda stuck to my rule of not wearing the earplugs from my iPod in public, but noooo, I just had to listen to my new favorite jam Bulletproof by La Roux. Ever wonder what happens when some of the outbound trains stop a few stations short of the last destination on that line, such as the "Grosvenor Strathmore/ Shady Grove" sitchuation on the Red Line? Leave your earplugs in while riding the Grosvenor Strathmore specific train so that you cannot hear the conductor shout at you to "Please exit the train, this train is now out of service," and find out what myserious magic occurs in the tunnel after the Grosvenor Strathmore stop.

If you're up on your "LOL OMG WTF TTYL TTFN BTW" game...

Then you'd give this woman on the metro the Grand Champion FUPA award.

Yes I judge myself too.

Is this not the most pathetic shred of greenery you have ever seen? All the leaves die so my coworker Tom showed me how to properly trim them by making a diagonal cut near the base of the stem, but not too close. But what if I keep trimming? Then what? I'm going to trim it down to nothingness. Save the whales? Save the polar bears? NO, save my office plant.

I like big butts and I cannot lie...

But I never said I liked wide ones. Of the many tooshies in DC, this one struck me as the widest upon which I have ever laid my eyes. I named this woman Cecilia. She has 9 cats and a hoarding disorder. Thank goodness for my iPhone camera which I sneakily use to snap candid photos of unsuspecting civilians. Although, some say I'm not so sneaky.