My Bucket List

1. Get accepted to the University of Maryland grad school. Then get hit by a UMD shuttle (drunk) bus and have the university pay for my tuition.
2. Get struck by lightning and use that, not pot, as an excuse for why I can't remember anything.
3. Participate in a flash rob.
4. Become a registered sexual offender for being a cougar.
5. Get a celebrity to sign my boobs, preferably a UFC fighter.
6. Crash a wedding, get really wasted, and hook up with the best man.
7. March in a Pro Life rally- those are some really crazy motherfuckers.
8. Deploy the reserve parachute while skydiving so I can briefly feel the adrenaline of watching my awesome life flash before my eyes.
9. Flip a burger at McDonalds.
10. Teach all of my children to walk in a perfectly synchronized line.
11. Walk a goose on a leash.
12. Patent, brand and market "Awesome Sauce."
13. Sell my body for drugs.
14. Perform a Jackass-esque stunt. With Johnny Knoxville.
15. Be an audience member at the Jerry Springer Show. NOT on the bucket list: Be a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.
16. Discover the inventor of pet rocks.
17. Drink something really gross for $20 since I was too goody goody in grade school to pull off that shit.
18. Have my name printed in the Guinness World Records Book... not sure what for yet.
19. Create my own font called Jay Pea.
20. Say "SAYONARA SUCKER" to a boss and quit.

Can it be true.......

Party foul

5-OH

It's never good when a cop pulls you aside to talk to you.
When you're wearing a chicken suit.
And people are pointing at you.
And having their picture taken with the chicken and cop in the background.

Traveling Do's and Don'ts

Airport security can be a bitch. A bitch you wanna bitch slap. Here are some tips to make your travel smoother:
1. Do label your luggage.
2. Do NOT label your luggage if your name is Ahmed Jawad. It's just not a good look. It's a red flag buddy.

Girls. Geesh. Always complaining about their bodies.

To be a girl is to NEVER be satisfied with your appearance. It's in our DNA. Some parts are a little smaller than we'd like, some parts a little bigger. Take this girl for example:

A pretty girl, so you think, what's she got to complain about? Maybe just a few extra pounds around the middle? But no no no. Looking in the mirror, she says to her friend:

"OH MY GOD! My foreheard is SO big! Do you think my forehead makes me look not pretty?"

Car Art

Because when it comes down to it, when it really comes down to it, God looks more favorably upon those who drive big red trucks.

I just..... sniff sniff.... wanted to play this damn word.... sniff sniff......

"Live free or...."

Live free or DIE!
Damn, New Hampshire is HARD. Who knew??

Baby says it all

I've been out for two weeks now, and I can't take it anymore! Put me back in!  

Would you hire him for...

A kid's birthday party... or a bachelor party? I'm confused.

Add Your Own Caption

This picture says....

Me: I'm freaking out, I think I just....

Instructor: I think this girl just.... 

Halloween aka Slutoween is Almost Here!

With Halloween right around the corner, girls' minds are already whirring with ideas about how to use the least amount of fabric on the least amount of skin. Take all of the nasty comments you've said about "that skanky bitch," roll it up into one, and you've got a Halloween costume! While there are generally no rules when it comes to Halloween costumes, I would like to propose a few. Do NOT:

1. Do NOT let your back rolls show.
2. Do NOT wear your thong on the outside of your pants (unless you're a superhero)
3. Do NOT have me guessing what your costume is, because a cowboy hat and a thong don't seem to make sense to me.
4. Do NOT wear this ensemble in public.
5. Do NOT forget to take your thong off first, then your pants, when you're ready to ride him like a cowgirl.

As if NE DC couldn't be more ghetto

They just had to.

Hostess with the Mostest

The mostest Sharpie all over her. Tell me how it is.........
That at the party I host at MY house, I get drawn ALL over with Sharpie. Did I even fall asleep with my shoes on.... I can't remember. BUT doesn't the host get a get-out-of-jail-free card?!?!

Is that........ a meow cat on my side? Come on now!

And my sorority letters in a tramp stamp?! 

Metro Treasures

Sitting on the metro one lovely work-day, commuting home, when I come across this gem:

The normal person would look at this in disgust like "eew why is this on the metro."

News Flash:

I AM NOT NORMAL.

So I picked it up and slyly slipped it into my bag. At this point, I hadn't yet decided what I was going to with it in my possession. After all, it is a DVD, and DVDs are meant to be watched.....

Now I want to gouge my eyes out. But wait, that still won't erase the visions that are permanently engraved in my memory.