My Bucket List

1. Get accepted to the University of Maryland grad school. Then get hit by a UMD shuttle (drunk) bus and have the university pay for my tuition.
2. Get struck by lightning and use that, not pot, as an excuse for why I can't remember anything.
3. Participate in a flash rob.
4. Become a registered sexual offender for being a cougar.
5. Get a celebrity to sign my boobs, preferably a UFC fighter.
6. Crash a wedding, get really wasted, and hook up with the best man.
7. March in a Pro Life rally- those are some really crazy motherfuckers.
8. Deploy the reserve parachute while skydiving so I can briefly feel the adrenaline of watching my awesome life flash before my eyes.
9. Flip a burger at McDonalds.
10. Teach all of my children to walk in a perfectly synchronized line.
11. Walk a goose on a leash.
12. Patent, brand and market "Awesome Sauce."
13. Sell my body for drugs.
14. Perform a Jackass-esque stunt. With Johnny Knoxville.
15. Be an audience member at the Jerry Springer Show. NOT on the bucket list: Be a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.
16. Discover the inventor of pet rocks.
17. Drink something really gross for $20 since I was too goody goody in grade school to pull off that shit.
18. Have my name printed in the Guinness World Records Book... not sure what for yet.
19. Create my own font called Jay Pea.
20. Say "SAYONARA SUCKER" to a boss and quit.

Can it be true.......

Party foul

5-OH

It's never good when a cop pulls you aside to talk to you.
When you're wearing a chicken suit.
And people are pointing at you.
And having their picture taken with the chicken and cop in the background.

Traveling Do's and Don'ts

Airport security can be a bitch. A bitch you wanna bitch slap. Here are some tips to make your travel smoother:
1. Do label your luggage.
2. Do NOT label your luggage if your name is Ahmed Jawad. It's just not a good look. It's a red flag buddy.

Girls. Geesh. Always complaining about their bodies.

To be a girl is to NEVER be satisfied with your appearance. It's in our DNA. Some parts are a little smaller than we'd like, some parts a little bigger. Take this girl for example:

A pretty girl, so you think, what's she got to complain about? Maybe just a few extra pounds around the middle? But no no no. Looking in the mirror, she says to her friend:

"OH MY GOD! My foreheard is SO big! Do you think my forehead makes me look not pretty?"